Home & Away by Abhigyan Jha

I walked past the gate
out of this land i knew so well
into the world i thought
i knew nothing of
instead i found home.

this is where we return
at the end of each sojourn
to this same place
to choose a new face
another context

a perfect shelter
for the weary soul
neither warm nor cold
every aching bone soothed
spirit lifted effortlessly
to a constant bird's eye view
of the best possible worlds
sifting sans appetite
a million lives on a platter…


yet in each one I saw
my story begin
with a promise, then belied
every moment i watched my skin
grow old, i knew i had failed
where was my purpose
however wrinkled and frail?

I looked out and saw my dear departed
acting out a hundred roles
in times gone and times to come yet
some not missing me at all
and others trying not to forget
I found their messages
on the walls of my enduring home
we will be back soon
unless you choose to come away.

I could see all the past
floating by the future
an instant was enough proof -
I have done all I shouldn't have
and all I am supposed to
stayed an outsider
and been in the loop
stooped lower than the lowest stoop
it still wasn't enough shame
on this head bowed & bent
and still it wasn't over, this scheme
still turning the cogs
I scraped the bottom of my being
and fed my ego to the dogs
senses destroyed
in sight of the void
o enlightened one
finally salvation!
desire was defeated,
i proclaimed: i win
yet i found no rest within.

i turned and saw me engaged
in myriad zero sum games
i tried to forget
i tried to forgive
whatever be the cost
i tried to live

it felt so true
i let the memory return
this was my place
under the sun
I've kept my promises
I am still in love
I am the one I know
so I am holding on

It's a narrow margin
in a moment I could lose
I tried to do my best
What else should I choose

I know I don't have to play
at these lives
it is pretty easy from this place
which is my true home
where everything is always possible
and nothing is ever true
where everything begins
but nothing ever ends
what a safe heaven
pure being without consequences -

but what is this tug i feel
a crazy urge to open the doors -
i will walk a little more
see what else is coming
i will try & go the distance
even if it means nothing.

it became stronger
as i saw every possible choice
melt into the other
each as impossibly without meaning
to have never happened at all
i knew I wouldn't want it any other way
could never give it away

nothing matters once I'm born
Even if I lose my way
I will come home to die
I will have regrets
I will be just like the rest
in time I will be the same-
it's only a moment
when I can be me
when I can be the best

sometimes I will be ahead
but there'll be no advantage
no disgrace either
when I am buried and dead

I will just turn a circle
and find the tables turned
I wanted justice done
now I'll pray no verdict's returned


life could be lottery
life could be a set of rules
life could be so many things
if we weren't such fools...

The time had come to choose
In this timeless hearth
where nothing 'had to be'
nothing mattered enough...

I could choose home
watch through the windows
all that I could be at once
yet never risk a response
stay on & I wouldn't want again
or walk on once more uncertain

I licked my lips,
Drew my breath in,
I wanted the taste
so I was hungry!
bitter was fine
i wanted the fruits...
i took the last step out
& shut the door on home
I chose the long walk
On the winding road
knowing it was never ending
knowing it was perfect for me
the wiling wayfarer
of the Eternal Way.

14.04.06 ( for PEN meeting on crazy travels)